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March 16 talladega nightsthinking he is on fire] Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jewish God! Help me, Allah! Aah! Help me, Tom Cruise! Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me to get the fire off of me!
- I'm Ricky Bobby. If you don't chew Big Red, then f--- you.
- Hi, I'm Ricky Bobby. Christmas is just around the corner, and what better gift to give a loved one [pulls out knife] than the Jack Hawk 9000? Available at Wal-Mart!
- I sent in my application to The Real World, so I'm hoping to hear back from that. I'm putting a lot of my eggs into that basket, the MTV basket. I'm also thinking about getting a gun, and dealing crack. Being a crack dealer. Not, like, a mean crack dealer, but like... like a nice one. Kinda friendly, like, "Hey, what's up guys? You want some crack?". I'm just waiting on those two things to just kinda flesh themselves out.
- Dear Lord Baby Jesus, lying there in your...your little ghost manger, lookin' at your Baby Einstein developmental...videos, learnin' 'bout shapes and colors...
- Hang on, Baby Jesus, this is gon' get bumpy!
- Now, due to a binding endorsement contract that stipulates that I mention POWERade at each grace, I'd just like to say that POWERade is delicious, it cools you off on a hot summer day, and we're all looking forward to POWERade's release of Mystic Mountain Blueberry.
- [driving his first race] Hey, Lucius, I just wanted to share a piece of personal information with you. I've got a...a chubby right now because THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST AWESOME EXPERIENCES OF MY LIFE!! I'M GETTIN' TO DRIVE A RACECAR I CAN'T BELIEVE IT OH MY GOD!!!
- The room is startin' to spin real fast...cause of...cause of gayness.
- [Looking under the hood of his race car] Hot dog! I mean, that's like lookin' up Yasmine Bleeth's skirt!
- Yep, I'm flyin' through the air, this is not good.
- [to his father-in-law] The only thing you ever did with your life is make a hot daughter! That's it!
- [to Girard] I've got you, Pepe Le Bitch!
- [getting ready to bump Girard in a race] Hey, it's me, America!
- I'm not sure what to do with my hands.
- You gotta win to get love. I mean, that's just life. Look at...look at Don Shula. Legendary coach. Look at that Asian guy who holds the world record for eatin' all those hot dogs in a row. Look at Rue McClanahan. From The Golden Girls. Three people, all great champions, all loved.
- Mr. Dennit, with all due respect, and remember I'm sayin' it with all due respect, that idea ain't worth a velvet painting of a whale and a dolphin gettin' it on.
- Hugalo's Pizza. We are pizza.
- Theres a goddamn cougar in the car!
- 98 percent of us will die at some point in our lives.
- [advertising for McCreedy Funeral Services] Bodies that look so good, you're gonna wanna talk to it!
- I'm gonna scissor-kick you in the back of the head!
- Grandfather, can't we resolve this conflict without anger?
- Chip, I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!
Reese: Now, there's nothing like driving to avoid jail. Nothing hones your mind and your instincts like necessity. So I taped a kilo of cocaine underneath the car and called the boys in blue. Now, the way I figure it, you got about 2 minutes before they show up, and you do five to ten. So, what's it gonna be? Fear...or prison?
Ricky: What the hell are you talkin' about?!
Reese: Real simple, son! Cops are comin'! There's a kilo of Jamaican bam-bam underneath the car! Time to be a man!
- Ricky: Cal, you could say that 10,000 times, and it still wouldn't be enough.
- Cal: It fires me up, man.
- Ricky: I know, say it one more time.
- Cal: Shake and Bake!
- Carley: Whoo!
- Ricky: Doesn't that feel good?
- Cal: Yeah! It rhymes, they're both verbs...it's awesome!
- Walker: Anarchy! Anarchy! Anarchy! Anarchy!
- Texas Ranger: I don't even know what that means, but I love it!
Ricky: Dear Tiny, Infant, Jesus...
Carley: Um, sweetie, Jesus did grow up. You don't always have to call him baby. It's a bit odd and off-puttin' to pray to a baby.
Ricky: Look, I like the Christmas Jesus best, and I'm sayin' grace. When you say grace, you can say it to Grownup Jesus or Teenage Jesus or Bearded Jesus or whoever you want.
Texas Ranger: [after Ricky asks him about his day] Well, the teacher asked me what was the capitol of North Carolina. I said Washington D.C.
Cal: Bingo!
Ricky: Nice.
Texas Ranger: And she said 'No, you're wrong.' I said 'You got a lumpy butt!' She got mad at me and yelled at me. Cal: I wet my bed until I was 19. There's no shame in that.
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